It has been one year since my grandma suddenly died, and then my grandpa followed her that same week. I've had many thoughts, struggles, emotions. I feel my heart has been on my sleeve more than ever this past year. I don't share much. I just process it, mainly late at night when no one is around. There's very little that can be said to make the process easier, on anyone in any situation of loss. But, I do still write poetry and sometimes it helps me. So, I thought maybe I would share a raw poem that I have been working on.
It happened in June
I remember the way it begins,
Even the first time,
six years ago,
she was kicking my organs,
spinning around in there,
as if tossed by the ocean waves,
keeping me awake at night with her hiccups
And when the day came, twelve days overdue,
it was hot, and I was tired-
as I felt when a wave took me by surprise
and I ran to get away from it
Ready to collapse, as if I might die-
couldn’t believe it was taking so long-
the hours that felt like days
because it was like some kind of strange reality
Asking “What is going on?”
“Can you see her head?”
Then a quick decision, and going into surgery
The tugging of the surgeons on my body
and not really caring at all
As if the ocean had taken over anyway
and it didn’t matter, because I was safe,
and she was safe,
For so soon I would get to see her!
Then finally seeing her, and holding her,
The tears pouring out of our eyes
The moment that she was in my arms,
feeling that everything was great in the world
and feeling like I had come through a storm
but now I was sitting on the deck of the ship,
enjoying the richest sunset I had ever seen-
so filled up by the sight of it, I had no words-
just endless love, like the endless ocean
I had never seen the end-
At least- not that I can remember-
But when the end came for Grandma
it was like a summer hurricane
I never saw approaching
until suddenly it was ripping through me-
knocking me off my feet in one instant
Large raindrops flooding the yard,
pelting against the window panes
Loud and shocking thunder
After traveling hours for Grandma’s funeral,
to a big dinner and a rare family reunion,
but no relief from my ocean of tears,
my aunt told us all
Grandpa was not doing well
So we went to the house
where he lived with others
who also were dying
Walked right past Grandma’s room,
still full of her chair, her bed, her dresser
with her earrings and necklaces on it,
her nightstand with her evening reading
right there on top,
as if she was still alive
Then down the hall,
to see Grandpa there in his room, lying in the bed
breathing in and out, heavily, with his eyes closed
and his mouth wide open, his lips dry and parched
My aunts and uncles were saying to sit by him
and that he could hear us
I moved by his side as if I was a vessel on autopilot
Waiting for someone to switch my gears-
Someone to direct me somewhere else where
the waters were clearer, less dangerous
Struggling to hold back my ocean of tears
I sat beside him on the bed, rubbed his head
Told him that I loved him
It was like being on the shore on a foggy afternoon,
longing to see the beauty and the depth of
the ocean,
knowing it is right there,
but fighting to find it,
desperate to get back to it
When my sorrow welled up in me
like an ocean wave
that must go to shore,
no matter who is in the path,
I went to the backyard
where my children and nephews played,
I held my nephew, felt his soft cheeks against mine,
engaged in some baby laughs,
My daughter showed me some pretty rocks she found
and I was able to smile, to remember that endless love
like the endless ocean
even in the midst of loss
Early the next morning, we got the call
that Grandpa had gone on to be with Grandma
We all knew it was coming
But it was still like the tide coming in
when you aren’t done collecting your shells
and you need more time,
and you wish it could have been different
Even as we went to the funeral home
and I looked at Grandma’s face
in her casket-
even then I was reminding myself over and over
that she was no longer alive-
Even as I saw her there in front of me- no longer alive
Even as we sat at the graveside service
and people spoke nice words about life with my grandparents
which I can’t even remember
because it was like some kind of strange reality
It was like an ocean wave
that sneaks up on me and pulls me under before I even know
what is going on
and all I can do is ask “What is going on?”
I didn’t even realize I was in the ocean to begin with
I know they are happy, I know they are whole,
I know they are exactly where they want to be
With our Savior in heaven
My heart feels like a raging hurricane ripped through it
even so
Then there is my sweet girl-
As we were driving home after the funeral weekend,
she asked for a stack of papers so she could draw
So I handed her a stack of lined paper torn from my notebook
and she was happily drawing for an hour
We stopped for a break and she showed us her homemade book-
featuring our weekend:
the layout of the motorhome we stayed in,
all of us sitting at the campground eating popcorn,
her and her cousin going down a slide at the splash park,
and her great grandma in her pink casket, with roses on the
side
As she proudly talked about her drawings
it was like God whispering to my shattered heart,
“here is an anchor, in the midst of a wretched storm,”
And there I was, sitting on the deck of the ship again,
knowing I could never go overboard
Because there she was,
pulling me in with her eyes,
So filled up by the sight of them, I had no words-
Just endless love like the endless ocean
